Am I Getting Old or Apathetic?

I've never seen you. You're someone I don't know. Are you just another boy that I met long ago? ~ The Go-Gos

So I was having lunch with a friend of mine today and was telling her about how I have a date coming up on Wednesday and I’m kind of excited about it. I met this guy kind of in passing, but he’s a DC firefighter/paramedic and…well…that is just hot. Plus, he seems interesting…he started out planning to play the cello for a living, but found that the life a concert cellist just didn’t suit him. So he became a (hot) firefighter. Nice.

Anyway, my friend was listening to me talk about this and said, “Well, it’s good that you have this date because it seems like you haven’t been out on any dates for awhile.” Hmm. “Not true,” I told her. “Actually, in the last six weeks or so, I’ve gone out with four different guys.” “Really?” she replied. “Yeah,” I said. “Like that one guy…um…”

And that is when it hit me. I couldn’t remember a single one of their names. One of them was two weeks ago. I can remember things about them, but details (like a name) – nope. She thought this was funny. Ha. Right. I can’t stop thinking about it...and nothing is coming back...and it really bothers me.

When did I become the type of person who is so...callous...that I can’t even remember the name of someone that I spent an evening with…two weeks ago? Am I...callous?

Now, it could be age (haha), but I think it is more of indifference...I've become desensitized to dating. Two of the guys, yeah, whatever. But the other two...one of them I went out with TWICE. I think maybe his name was Sean. Maybe? When last we parted, I think I said that I'd call him next because I was going out of town…oops. The other guy I wasn’t floored by, but we had a ton in common (I think)…yet, when he called me after our date, I…forgot…to call him back.

Maybe this is just a phase. But I don’t want to become a complete, serial dater who is surrounded by men that I neither know nor care about. That’s not me. And it feels…badly.

Of course, here's the twist. While all of this is going on, I’m currently fighting the urge to just give in and admit that I kind-of-sort-of-maybe have a thing (and maybe more than just a thing) for the guy that I’m writing a book for. The chemistry between us is intense and part of me thinks it is just a matter of time. He’s pushing for it a little, I’m not really resisting. But I don’t think it is a good thing…no good will come of that venture. Oh, but that’s a whole different story.

The Haunting

So I think we all have at least one guy in our past whom, for whatever reason, totally got under our skin. Maybe it was a crush, a lover, or even a friend. But he held some power over us...made us behave in an irrational way that made no sense.

For me, that guy was Will. To this day, I have no idea what is was about this guy that got me so. We dated on and off for about seven months and then switched over to being friends (there is a lot of other history there -- the whole thing was pretty messed up).

The friend thing evidently didn’t work out so well...we hung out almost weekly for four months (he was teaching me guitar). At some point during this time, he started dating some girl...but never told me (I, on the other hand, was pretty open about my dating escapades -- obviously).

I finally found out about his girl when she found out about me...and she got really, really angry. They fought about me for almost two weeks. It seemed silly to me -- he and I were just friends...right? Why didn’t he just introduce us so she could see that there wasn’t anything to worry about? Instead, they made up and Will fell off the face of planet. This bothered me A LOT more than it should have (I think).

At that point, I really should have just deleted all references to Will, closed that door, and walked away. But I didn’t. And, as Will always seemed to do, he resurfaced. I did decide that if he wanted to talk to me, he had to make the first move. Surprise...he started calling me on a regular basis just to talk. He’s really funny, so our conversations were always great. No matter how crappy things seemed, Will always had a way of cheering me up. But, stuck to my guns and never initiated contact (yay, me).

Throughout all of this, Will was evidently still dating “the girl” and, while out on a cruise in October, he proposed to her. I found out about the proposal when I was on his band’s MySpace page...he didn’t own up. I was nothing but happy for him -- he was so worried that he'd never get married and would end up alone. But my genuine happiness for him was clouded by confusion...each time I asked Will how his love life was going (usually because he’d asked me first), he’d say something along the lines of “nowhere.” When I asked him how the cruise was, he said it wasn’t good and he didn’t want to talk about it. Um...?

On Christmas Eve, Will sent me a text that read “so the news is that im getting married in the fall and i should not talk to you anymore. take care of yourself.”

I was so flabbergasted that I never even responded. Part of me was like, “whatever” -- I’m better off without him anyway. Another part was hurt...I (perhaps foolishly) thought we were friends -- who dumps a friend via text (on Christmas Eve)? And another part of me was really angry -- like he took our friendship and made it something dirty and sinister. That text was the last Will interaction I've had.

So why the tale here? Why now? I don’t know. I really haven’t given Will much thought after the Christmas Eve text...I took a deep breath and moved along...or so I had thought.

However, for whatever reason, Will has been in my head the past two days...a lot. Not in a “I’m-pining-for-my-lost-love” kind of way (by fall, I really had fully moved Will over to the "friend bin")...more in a “what-the-hell-happened” kind of way.

Why did I ever care about a guy that cared so little about me? Or maybe he cared more than he let on...maybe that was the problem?

I don’t get it. And the worst part -- and why I think he’s in my head now -- is that I kind of miss Will...my FRIEND Will. And I know I shouldn’t. But it has me feeling a little bummed out.

I just wish the ghost of Will would go away. That would just make things easier.

How do you scare the ghosts away for good?

That Felt Kind of Crappy

Okay, so I never called Max back. And I know that sucks. Stringing someone along is always ten times worse than just being honest. So I just shot him an email. Yeah...I know, email was a wimpy way to go. But he and I had never had a phone conversation...why start now? I went with the traditional, "You are a really great guy, and I have enjoyed getting to know you; however, I just don't think that this is going to work out." Ouch? Hmm.

I didn't offer to be friends because although I could see myself being friends with Max, I know that isn't what he is looking for...it rarely works out anyhow (with someone you've only seen a few times, at least). And frankly, the friend offer can sometimes feel almost insulting...like a consolation prize -- "you can't date me, but by golly, you can be my friend." Gee, thanks.

I wonder why I just can't like a nice guy like Max? Oh well.

So that's done. And it actually felt kind of crappy.

I could really use some FUN male activity. Lately, I've been feeling like the Debbie-downer of the dating world. Come on boys -- help me out!! Sheesh.

Time to Let Him Down Easy...?

I'm still thinking about the whole Mike-Sara thing. It just bothers me...and not because I feel like some jilted girlfriend or something. Mike and I had never even gone out on a real date, and he can date as many women as he wants -- I don't judge that. Hell, I date multiple guys at the same time. Big deal. It is the fact that he was pursuing two women who were good friends...and now, at least for awhile, things will be weird between Sara and I and that sucks. It just does. AND, I think that "dating" a roommate is asking for trouble...it seems like a slippery line to have crossed, so now I have to worry about my friend, who is now "dating" someone that I don't like and that I think has questionable morals. Lovely. Well, at least it gives me something to write about.

Speaking of writing...on to the real reason for this post...

So continuing in the thread of all of my dating experiences, the guy I'm really NOT into seems to be pretty into me. This would be Max. We went out for dinner last week and I swear I've been trying to give this guy a chance. I really have. I went out with him THREE times. That is a lot for me...well, for me to go out with a guy I feel no chemistry with. Usually two dates is the maximum I can stand.

Last week's dinner was...fine. Actually, it was rather pleasant. The conversation was good -- we talked about out families, our jobs, even the dreaded topic of politics. We walked to the Metro together, got on the train, and then waved goodbye when we came to his stop (which was before mine). And that was it. It was fun. But not at all date-y.

Now, I'm not saying that he should have been all over me, but there are certain things that a guy can do to make a girl feel...special. Even a nice compliment, "you look nice this evening," "that color blue looks great on you," "I had a great time tonight." Or maybe an extra squeeze on the hug hello, or a lingering glance across the table. Something. While it is definitely possible to go overboard, little things like that set up some parameters that make you see the other person as more than a friend...make you feel like you are on a DATE. With Max, I get nothing, thus punting us into Friendland. I'm okay with that -- I can always use more friends. The problem? I don't think HE sees it that way.

This morning, I got a call from Max (he left a voicemail...I was still sleeping...at 9:30 on a Sunday morning, come on). He was calling to see if I wanted to catch a movie this evening and he was all excited because he had a car for the weekend (that's a city thing, btw), so could come and pick me up. Oh yippee!! (Okay, yes, that 'yippee' was bitchy.)

I'm not going to go. While I wouldn't mind hanging out with Max again, it just wouldn't be fair. I guess I could try the "I like you, but would rather just be friends with you," approach. But really, that never works. It just makes the other person feel stupid. I know because I've been on the receiving end (though not as often as I've been on the delivering end...hmm).

So now I'll have to call him and tell him I just can't. The question is...is it better to be honest and say "I'm just not feeling it" (in a nicer way, obviously) or to use some other excuse, such as "I just bought a house and am getting ready to move, things are going to be crazy for the next month or so" (which is actually totally true; however, for the right guy, I'd make time)?

What's A Girl To Do?

Even if I let this settle, it'll lead to a little fight. Even when I get to meddling, I need to remember to remain polite. Oh well, what a letdown. ~ Barenaked Ladies

Well mystery solved. I just got off the phone with my friend ("Sara") who is rooming with Mike (remember Mike?) She called because she wanted to talk to me about "something." Mainly that she and Mike are dating. Uh...? So I guess that explains why he never called me back...because he was also pursuing (and dating and living with) my friend. Lovely.

Honestly, I'm not sure how to feel about all of this. On one hand, I now think Mike is an even bigger ass than I imagined was possible, so no real loss there. I mean, what decent guy pursues two girls who are friends? Seriously? Who does that? Jerk. And even if he wasn't "interested" in us at the exact same time, it would have been had to have been about ONE WEEK between when he asked me out and when he and Sara hooked up. Maybe even less time.

As for Sara, she "confessed" because we were out last weekend and I mentioned how Mike had asked me out, bagged on me, and then never called me again...and I was just going on about what typical guy behavior that was...guy hangs all over you one night, can't remember you the next, yadda yadda, blah blah. Oops. And, during the course of this same conversation, I asked her if she was dating anyone (and yes, I did ask). She said no, she didn't really have time to date because she is working full time and also going to school. So she LIED about it! Right to my face. That is disappointing.

Anyway, she was concerned that, now that she and Mike are "dating," it might hurt our friendship. Um. I don't know what to say to that. She swears she didn't know that he was talking to me and that I was interested in him. Now, I'll give her that she may not have known that he had asked me out, but to not know that there was some attraction stuff going on? Give me a break. She was on the pub crawl...when Mike and I were all over each other, holding hands, kissing, cuddling up on the Metro ride home. She was there!! And same thing with New Year's Eve...she was there! How could she not know?

Or maybe...how could I not know? Sara's boyfriend dumped her back in September and she had been having a rough time with it. The night of the pub crawl, well into the evening (after Mike and I had already coupled off and had had a few good make-out sessions on the dance floor -- which now grosses me out, btw), she and I popped in to the bathroom together. She starts going on and on about how great it has been to have Mike around since her break-up. So I said to Mike, "Sara seems to like you a lot," and he replied, "I like her too, she's a fun roommate." I even wondered enough to ask a mutual friend of our's a couple days later whether she thought anything was going on between Sara and Mike and she said no way. But...maybe I MISSED it. From what Sara told me, she and Mike started "dating" after New Year's, but if she was interested in him before that, should I have seen this coming?

Now, in the grand scheme of things...really, who cares? I'm not mad because I feel desperately hurt that the love of my life was stolen from me. I barely knew the guy (and he doesn't sound like a real catch anyhow). However, I do feel kind of let down by Sara. Or maybe I feel bad that I let Sara down...? Guys just shouldn't come between friends.

Ultimately, I blame Mike here. Even if he's not a player/asshole, he was the only one in this situation who really had all of the info. And he has now put Sara and I in an awkward position. Getting in the middle of two friends SUCKS. And gosh, if he just got lost in the throws of love, fine. He could have at least been HONEST about it. Instead, Sara has to make an awkward phone call after I make some random comment while out dancing with her and now I'm dreading having to hang out with my friend again. There is no way it will NOT be awkward, especially if Mike is there.

Guess I'll just hope that Sara and I can iron this out and I'll count myself lucky that I didn't get stuck with an ass like Mike (and hope that Sara finds someone better). Oh life just keeps getting more and more exciting!!

Creepy Stalker Alert!

You're just too good to be true. Can't take my eyes off you. Pardon the way that I stare. There's nothing else to compare. ~ Frankie Valli

Last night, I met up with some friends at good old Clarendon Ballroom in Arlington, Virginia, to catch a great cover band. I don't make it out to Arlington all that much, but when I do, it tends to be a pretty good time...or at least an entertaining time. Last night did not disappoint.

After hitting up the bar (first things first, a girl must have her priorities), my friends and I wiggle our way through the crowd to a decent spot on the dance floor. The band is playing Blink 182 (All the Small Things), I'm dancing, singing along, having a good old time...when suddenly I feel a hand on the small of my back. The dance floor is pretty crowded, so I don't really think anything of it...but then the hand returns...only this time with a little more purpose...someone is seriously rubbing my back. So I turn around and there is this dude who is literally like two people away from me, reaching around to touch my back. Uh...ew.

So I step a little bit away from him, keep dancing...and then the hand is there again. This time the guy is closer -- he's standing right behind me. Great. He leans over and says, "do you mind if I dance with you?" Do I mind? Hmm. Uh, yeah. Weirdo. So I reply, "oh, thanks, but I'm just going to dance with my friends." Wouldn't you take that as a NO? Well, he doesn't and instead grabs my waist and starts grinding on me. Um...dude. I stop dancing, look at him, and say, "um...dude." He just keeps dancing. So I switch places with one of my (guy) friends.

Swapping places keeps the guy from making physical contact with me, but then he starts just STARING at me. I even try to hide behind my friends and he will seriously lean AROUND them to get me in his line of sight. My (guy) friend actually says to me, "that guy is really odd...it's kind of creepy how he keeps looking at you." Yeah, no shit. And it isn't just that he is staring at me, every time he looks over, he smiles, chuckles, and shakes his head a little. Weird. Creepy, indeed.

Eventually, my friends and I just moved. Throughout the night, I was "lucky" enough to endure the advances of five other drunk and unappealing boys, but old creepy-google-eyes stood out the most.

And such is the life of Anna...all freaks, no normal boys. Welcome to my world.

Grab On!

"Duck, duck, duck...GOOSE!"

Okay, so today I headed over to Caribou for an afternoon pick-me-up (Campfire Mocha...mmm). In front of me in line was this guy wearing THE tightest jeans I think I've ever seen. Seriously, they weren't given the dude much breathing room, if you get my drift.

Anyway, as I was standing there, pretending to contemplate which fattening beverage I should buy (Campfire Mocha...mmm) while really trying not to stare at the man's tightly framed ass (it was actually a nice ass, btw), I was struck by a sudden urge to just reach down and grab his butt. I didn't, of course. But damn if I didn't really, really want to.

My ass-grabbing urge reminded me of an evening out with a friend of mine. Let's call her "Jen." On this particular evening, "Jen" and I headed to a trendy DC bar known as the Reef. For whatever reason, "Jen" seemed determined this evening to find me a man ("Jen" has a boyfriend of like 50 years, so she's off the market).

Throughout the course of the evening, "Jen" would grab the asses of various guys around the bar. The guys would turn around and look at her. And she'd point to me...like I did it...

What Is the Allure?

I fell off the track, now I can't go back. I'm not like that. Boys lie too much. Girls act too tough. Enough is enough. ~ The Strokes

Okay, so here's my question...why do I always seem the most drawn to the most inappropriate guys? No, really?

Last week I went out with a really, really NICE guy. We'll call him "Max." Our conversation was easy and relaxed. He's funny and cute and we have a ton in common. In fact, I joked with my friends later that I felt like I had been out on a date with myself...and let's face it, I am pretty fabulous, so that doesn't sound so bad (kidding). The difference? Max seems pretty much squeaky clean; I'm not. I definitely have a bit of a wild streak.

Why is this relevant? Because even though Max and I got along great, for me, there was really no attraction or spark. None. Nada. Zilch. And I kind of wonder if it is because he did just seem so...NICE and polite and...safe. I'm going out with him again next week, so maybe on our second night out he'll impress me. But I'm dubious. For me IT is usually there right away or not at all.

IT was there pretty much instantly for the "bad boys" in my life. The guys like Ben or Mike. Instant spark, instant trouble. These are the guys that I always seem to fall for...the ones who love you when you are standing in front of them, but forget you the moment you walk away. And it drives me NUTS! The guys who actually DO call me and act interested? Yeah, I could care less about them. But the Bens and the Mikes...the ones I know I should avoid...those are the guys I want to hear from more than anything. Maybe it is a challenge thing? Wanting something I can't or shouldn't have? Or is it an ego thing? Or maybe I feel like I need a partner in crime and the guys that are jerks seem like they have more potential? Seriously...what gives?

I just don't get it. I am, however, willing to give Max another chance...see if he surprises.

Regardless, I'm sure that the next time my cell phone rings, my heart will jump in anticipation and then sink with disappointment when I see that neither of my current bad boys are calling. Gosh, dating is so lame. If I wasn't such trouble, maybe I'd join a convent.

Upset Stomach, Heartburn...

"Nausea! Heartburn! Indigestion! Upset Stomach! Diarrheaaaa! Pepto-Bismol!" ~ Pepto commercial

Okay, so just before Christmas, one of my friends and her new roommate organized a "holiday pub crawl." It was a pretty big group of people that ended up going...about 18 of us all together. This was my first time meeting the roommate, whom I will call Mike.

Mike is a very personable, attractive guy who my friend found through Craigslist. They have been roomies for about three months now and one of my other friends had met Mike and told me that she wanted me to meet him because she thought Mike and I would hit it off. Seems she was right...kind of.

Well, on the pub crawl, Mike had brought along a sprig of mistletoe and as the evening wore on, Mike spent more and more time chasing me around with that damn sprig. At one point, he lost the mistletoe and then was grabbing me and pulling me under any Christmas decoration saying, "look, mistletoe," to which I'd say, "dude, that's not mistletoe," but we'd kiss anyway. We hit seven pubs and had a drink (or two) at each one, so everyone was pretty tipsy. I am not typically the type to be too cozy with a guy I have just met, but between the mistletoe and the beers and the fact that Mike seemed really great, well, there was some kissing.

The next morning, I had to drive up to my folks' place for the holiday (fun tip as an aside: don't do a pub crawl the night before a seven-hour drive...ow). Mike sent me a text saying that he hoped I was feeling okay and that I had a safe trip and he apologized if he came on a little strong the night before. I wrote back, said no worries -- it was fun. I threw my crap in my car and drove off for a week in Ohio without giving it much additional thought.

The day after Christmas, I got another text from Mike saying merry Christmas and asking me for my email. A couple of days later, I got an email inviting me to a New Year's party at Mike and my friend's place. Somewhere in there, I came down with a REALLY nasty cold and wasn't able to go to work on Monday and Tuesday. Tuesday, Mike called me -- I was in bed (sick), but he left me a voice mail checking to see that I'd gotten the email and to see if I was going to be able to make it to the NYE party. I sent him a text saying I was going to try to rally and make an appearance. On NYE day, I went to work for a half day and then came home and slept.

I headed over to the party around 9 pm and when I got there, there were several people there already. Mike came over and said hi and then we all milled around chatting with other folks. Eventually, everyone decided to move to a pub and so off we went. Once we got to the pub, Mike pretty much hung out next to me...only. We chatted and kept finding things that we had in common...things that I didn't find all that startling, but he seemed amazed by (like the fact that we both drink Guinness or liked to go camping). Over the course of the evening, Mike asked me if I wanted to go out on Saturday and I said sure. He also invited me to a standing happy hour that he hosts every Friday. However, both of these discussions took place during the middle of our time out, and we didn't talk about them again.

On New Year's day, I felt crappy and stayed in bed. Friday was my first day back to work after having been sick and it really knocked me out. I felt awful and was just exhausted. So I sent Mike a text saying that I was dead and didn't think that I was going to make it to happy hour, but that if the offer to do something on Saturday still stood, I was game. He quickly wrote back saying tomorrow sounded good. I said I'd call him in the afternoon. Good. I was actually really excited about getting to hang out with him out of the context of a holiday and just the two of us.

So today around 3 pm, I get a text from Mike saying "I just wanted to let u know that I'm not feeling too well, and that tonight might not be such a good idea...sorry." Hmm. So I called him right back. He said that his stomach was feeling a little upset and that while he "really wanted to go out," it probably was better for both of us if we didn't get together. Hmm. I said that was okay and that I was disappointed because I had been looking forward to seeing him, but I hoped he felt better soon. He replied that he had to go out and run some errands, he could pick up some Pepto-Bismol and see if that helped. Uh, no...I said he should really just try to rest.

Now...could he be feeling icky? Absolutely. But here's the reason that I think he just blew me off. He said that he hoped he hadn't ruined my evening and I said no worries and then he was like, "well, there's always next weekend," and I said, "Oh?" (totally opening it up for a more firm offer). And he said, "sure, we'll get together some other time." Totally noncommittal...a total brush off. Am I right? I don't know. Then, less than 10 minutes into the conversation, he said he was going to "get off here and go take care of some stuff." I could be completely wrong, but my gut tells me that I won't hear from Mike again. And that actually really bums me out...more than it should because I hardly know the guy.

And seriously, what happened in the three days that completely turned things around? Maybe nothing. Maybe I'm totally overreacting. Maybe I've just been blown off too many times in the past...past bad experiences are tainting this little one. I should give him the benefit of the doubt...right? After all, I canceled on him on Friday because I wasn't feeling well.

It is just that it always hurts to get rejected (and yes, that is kind of how this feels), but it is particularly frustrating coming from a guy who was pursuing ME. HE is the one who followed me around with the mistletoe, who invited me out for New Year's, and who asked me out for this evening. I didn't push any of this, yet I'm the one who feels lousy now because I'm sitting on my a** on a Saturday night.

And yeah, maybe he's feeling lousy, too. And who knows, maybe he'll surprise me and get in touch. But I doubt it. Gosh, I hate the fact that I feel like such a GIRL about all of this. So I'm just going to take a deep breath and tell myself that I'm being lame. Sometimes the simplest explanation is the real one.

But seriously, every false start feels just a little more disheartening. It's enough to make a girl just want to give up.